what i have been doing...

went on vacation: to egypt...

got enough sun and sand...

became a tourist by all means...

snorkeled and scuba dived in the red sea..

flying away......at LAST!!!

couldnt get so exotic this time. just getting a little bit far from home, to cairo and later on red sea coast. thank god i have somebody who can speak the local language with me:p anyways, hope to have a week to remember. (i still the think the extraterrestrials buld up the pyramids.i'll check at the scene...)

getting the appartment painted...

we'll see..
not a genius about decorational
stuff so i am afraid of the conclusion.

there is a guy lately...

he took me to the river.....Ağva

to the blacksea side....

he is a kind of a man that can play ball with kids in the beach club.

kindda like him:p

last weekend sapanca/maşukiye

ate fish here.

climbed up the hill

ate blackberries

walked in the woods...

totally forgotten

mail box'ımda taslak olarak saklamışım. 21 kasımda yazmışım. deli miyim neyim?
have written this down, saved as draft in my mailbox. totally dont remember when and how, seems like 21th november. probably was high or sth

---NO NAME.....

"love is unfair". i put the sentence in cotation marks but there exists no name that i can say i coated from. nevertheless i am so sure somebody somewhere said this phrase before me. i can imagine you reading this line and thinking: who said this before?
a sunny but cold early november morning. winter has come, i thought. so the cold and dark days will be ready to make my depression deeper, my mood down, my thoughts darker, trying to think of one country, cold and dark but with happy people... couldnt find and gave up. i can see my face in the mirror of the taxi so expressionless. feel like my brain is full of thoughts but none of them i can catch with my hand. i am begging to god: pls create some traffic on the way so the taxi drive will last longer. but of course his answer was no, the roads were so empty, the airport was so close like it never was. many things i want to say like i will miss you, i love you, i will wait for you, i will think of you all the time.... but the only thing i do is to shout like an angry dog to everything he tries to say. deeply in my heart i want to see him as unhappy as i am, even crying will be good. i want him to understand this stupid behavior of me is because of my sadness, but i feel that he is getting angry because i am so week with my despair and i try to torture him like this. so he will not make this goodbye any easier for me. i am thinking in my mind and cant help saying it out loud: dont i have the right to be miserable? ok he calmed down a little. but he still thinks that i am a drama queen i see it in his eyes. he is late with the check in bullshit and no time to say a deep goodbye. i want to fight, i want to shout, i want to make him angry , i want to punish him like it is his fault. thinking inside: the ones you hurt most, are the ones you love most. you see? i can justify myself in many ways.
bye-bye with a little kiss-not enough to calm me down of course. a little last look, never can be as good as a loooooong bye bye wave.
he disappeared.
i am alone in this huge building.
ALONE! the keyword is this, dont forget.
cried? no. shouted? no. called him? no. just looked at the clock to see if he will be on time. what if he missed the plane? i hope he will. and come back for some more hours. waited for 10 minutes standing there looking at the time. noone is comming... he is on time.
not an astonishing goodbye it was, not as big as i expected it to be. i needed a big event like a Broadway show. shining, surprisind, amazing........ this was so......NORMAL. i saw my face for a little moment on the reflecting glass of the exit door:so meaningless but blur. unlike the arrival, the departure from airport was a trafic jam. this is life ,i remember i was thinking... always gives you what you dont need.
i opened the door with the keys hanging in the keychain he gave me. changing my clothes with the pijamas which still have his smell on, going into the bed he got out of 4 hours ago, still have his touch. i am trying to feel him with the blanket.this house is so full with him. it makes me feel like a stranger. how can it feel like the end of the world? how can everything seem so ending? how can i be so afraid to live ? i better drink some water. in the kitchen there are the coctail glasses, dirty with the coctail he made for me last night. the dirty dishes of our last dinner, his last cigarette dips in the ashtray. i go and take cigarette from the packet he left, hoping that i will feel him inside. helped? no. god, what is on his mind? make him miss me more than i miss him. i fell asleep in the couch, where we slept all the time together after we had sex.

poor cecillia!!

"the cruelest thing a man can do is to let a woman fall in love with him."

himmm......

se acabo'!!

flört sanatı

evet kesinlikle bir sanattır ve sanatçı olunmaz doğulur. ben doğmadım galiba. "flört etme dili" diye bir şey var ve ben konuşamıyorum. e o zaman noluyo? sıkıcı!! halbuki şekil 1-a'daki gibi bir babayiğit çıksa di mi? hadi canım naş desem 2. çıkmada... ama yok böyle üstü kapalı, gizli, şifreli laflardan anlamıyoruz. hımmm.. çok zaman alıyor o zaman da işte. bir dayanan çıkacak mıdır? eh çıkacaktır herhalde.

give me more/dame mas

uçuşum geldi.../gotta fly away...

böyle her 5 dakikada bir başımın üstünden uçaklar geçiyor ya burda... içim gidiyor benim.şöyle binsem.. gitsem.. pasaportlu biryerlere...:)

feel like getting my passport and a suitcase and fly away

first birthday/primero cumpleaño

CEYDA with auntie/con su tia

one quote to keep in mind.

sevmiyorum böyle lafları iradenin gücüne atıfta bulunuyorlar kendimi daha da iradesiz hissediyorum, ama yine de well said.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.-Greta Randolph

Saramago em estambul.

kendi dilinde yazayım başlığı dedim. evet geldi, yarın da gidiyor. onu görmeye gitmedim, neden? gidip de sohbet edemeyecek olduktan sonra??? zaten annem aziz nesin'i görmeye götürdüğünde de camdan bakmıştım, içeri girmemiştim. ablam girmişti. ben böyleyim işte, uzaktan bakmayı severim. bugünkü konuşmasına gitmek vardı ama ceydadan daha kıymetli değil.

nacio thomas!!

new shoes/nuevos zapatos

more happiness/mas felicidad

fala inanma.../ tell my fortune, fortuneteller

hayatımın gidişatı üzerindeki irademi tamamıyla yitirmiş gibilerden bir hiscikler gelip gelip gittiğinden içime, bu aralar tesadüfen milletin bana fal bakası tutar durur. kahveyi severim-allah başımdan eksik etmesin- ama falcı bacı kılıklı insan türü genelde bana pek yakın durmazdı. son zamanlarda ne zaman -bize 3 orta kahve- diyecek olsak ortamda "ay bilmem kim senin bir falına baksın" işgüzarı birileri bulunur oldu. e vallahi böyle eğlenceye hayır dediğim görülmemiştir. istemem yan cebime koy tavrıyla fincanı çeviriveririm. işin garibi bu birbirini ve genlede beni tanımayan falcı bacıların ortak bir paydada buluşması ki tesadüf düzeyini aşar mı aşmaz mı o batıl inanç kapasitesine bağlı yorumlayanın. demem o ki 3 vakte kadar bana uzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun bir yol görünüyor. artık nerelere bilemem. fal o kadar da tüyo vermedi. acaba şu ispanyaya yaptığım iş başvuruları mi diyecek oluyorum, fala inanmaktan utanıyorum... kahrolsun bilimsel düşünce, yaşasın mahalle arası teyze kültürü.

if you believe in fortunetelling- which i have tendency to believe in these days- my coffee pot says that i am gonna take a loooooooooooooooooooong long jurney to somewhere unknown. why not believe that?

yoğun istek üzerine....

Peter:Are you still struggling with questions of life?
Ben:ohh my god the same old issue:) well this life was created by human beings to torture themselves i think. and even though it is not fair, this is a truth that i have to accept. i mean i enjoy the money that boring job provides me with pleasure but the other 29 days before the payday is hell:) sorry not optimistic but i am preparing to get out of this cycle in at most 10 years.
Peter:Forgive me my remark, but do you think that one activity can fulfill you more than another activity? Are not all activities more or less 'the same'? Please don't start thinking about suicide now ;) but how do you see it?As you know I have studied philosophy in an attempt to find the meaning of life. As if studying philosophy by it's very nature was more useful than working in a bookstore for example, which I did at the time. But in fact, I have experienced the contrary; it doesn't matter what I do, or where I go. It is always me, who haunts me. My question about the meaning of life kept following me where ever I went, and whatever I did. I could not escape it.So personally, I came to the point of view that this whole issue about life has to do with myself, with the way I am, with the way I look into this world.I needed a thorough experience which shook me and my view on this world. I needed to be buttkicked, so to speak, in order to see myself. I can only say this afterwards, as such an experience indeed has taken place, while at that very moment I could not see the full meaning of it. This is, of course, something religious, which can be found in Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and all kinds of other religions. (I will not tell you which direction I have stumbled into, otherwise you might think I am some religious fanatic trying to convert you to some strange ideas ;) You must find your way yourself, of course.)Anyway, I am 38 now, and finally I can say with utmost happiness, that there is nothing I need, and that life is perfect as it is. I can eat, drink, I have an apartment of my own, with my memories, my books, and music. What else is there to search for? As the famous Dutch philosopher Spinoza said: reality and perfection are the same!A rational approach, which I tried for many years, did not work for me; I am a philosopher who does not believe in the power of thinking, isn't that strange? ;) ...therefore, I always ask these questions to see how people try to deal with their struggle for finding a meaningful life. It strikes me how for most people, including myself, rationality plays a major role in trying to find an answer.Sorry for this long story, and I sincerely hope you are not insulted in any way. But as you have spoken so open about your ideas, the least I can do is to be open about my way of living.
Ben:as a starter researcher in this issue, many times i come to the conclusion that actually we as human beings are the ones who make this life and living complicated since simplicity and acception is actually seams to be the answer.thats why i always envy even am jealous of the people of my own age whose biggest problem is that the t-shirt they liked in the store is sold out:) at this point i totally agree with you when you say you dont believe in thinking. wish we all could stop it-at least i could:)
and please dont worry there is no way i am gonna kill myself since i deep inside this life is worth living till the last second and trying to find a better way to do it.
even though i come to one conclusion with my mind, with the help of the thoughts and experiences of other people or books, i still need a buttkicking experience too, i believe, because i as a whole cant accept that conclusion totally before my soul also comes to the same conclusion with my mind.

the reason i am saying that, is that i spend my days watching a fight between my mind and soul which are trying to convince the other one that he is right. and i am the refree here:) imagine how tiring it is!! and it will not stop untill they agree on something.

maybe it is a matter of time, i mean maybe i will -i hope- be thinking the same you do right now, so happy inside and in peace but this is period that i have to spend until then.
Peter:Well, about that suicide, good to hear it does not come to your mind. I mentioned it, because when I started with studying philosophy at the university, there were 20 students in my year, of which 2 committed suicide, and of which 5 ended up completely crazy.
A human being is very inventive when it comes to find satisfaction in small things. T-shirts, work, watching movies, drink alcohol, use drugs, and even trying to live for charity or trying to save the earth from heating does not help. Because in the end I always return to my good old self. How annoying this is! Kierkegaard, a Danish philo sopher on wh om I graduated, wrote many interesting books on the issues we are talking about. He demonstrates how people always try to get rid of their lives , and he describes in many ways how inventive we all are not to face our situation. He does so with a lot of irony and subtle humor, and besides the philosophical importance, his books are real highlights in world literature.
Anyway, the hope is a good thing of course! At the same time the question rises how I can have an experience which changes my view on daily life. Such an experience is a frightening thing , because in some way or another it will change my life completely. In some way or another I will lose my good old identity, where I felt comfortable, and where at the same time I felt so bored. So this is the area where someone needs guidance ; a person who knows and who can be trusted. A nd it is also an area where there are many people trying to deceive others, and people trying to make profit from sincere spiritual need . So it is important to be careful!
As mentioned earlier, I am not such a spiritual guide ( am just a philosopher - phew!), and I also will not tell you wh o I trusted, as it will reveal the direction where I am heading; which in itself is not that bad, but I want to prevent giving the impression that my direction is The One And Only Way , since there are many ways. But also in my situation I had to find a teacher, someone I could trust, someone with whom I was comfortable enough to lose my identity, which in fact turned out to be nothing more than a masquerade. T his whole 'self ' which haunted me appeared to be the whole problem by itself .
Your remark on '…me being the referee between mind and soul ' is therefore a very precise description, I think . It is that ' me' playing the referee that needs to be buttkicked! So w hat is it? Where does it come from? Why does it exist? It 's the old philosophical adagium: to know yourself. Don' t they say that all wisdom start s with knowledge of the self ?

Bu muhabbet daha uzar sayın seyirciler..

2

Aaaaaaaaaaa! Yeter be gidiyorum ben! Başlarım şehrine de kışına da soğuğuna da, insanlarının da havasının da.. işine de lanet olsun parasına da . 2 bikini 2 şort 3 t-shirt alıp gidiyorum ben. valiz bile taşıyamam. nemlendiricilerim kalsın, parfüm de istemez. kitap bile almıyorum anasını satayım! bu botları da havaalanında çöpe atıcam. hafiflemek istiyorum. üstümdeki kazak bile boğuyor beni.

“aşırı tepki gösteriyorsun, hepimiz arasıra sıkılırız”
“arası sırası yok bu işin ben oldum olası sıkılıyorum”
“n’apacaksın? Rahatlaman için dünyanın parasını mı harcaman gerek ille de?”
“nerden dünyanın parasıymış be, kendi param, benim param”
“saçmalamaya başladın sen”
“saçmalıyorsam kendi saçmamı saçmalıyorum, sana ne?”

Anamdan doğruğumdan beri yorgunum ben yahu. Yeni yeni mi dank ediyor şu kaskafama acaba? Nasıl izin vermişim yıllarca beni dikenli tel gibi böyle sarmalamalarına? Elimi, kolumu hatta gözümü oynatsam canım acıyor. Koydukları noktadan milim kıpırdayamıyorum. Üstelik öylesine inanmışım ki –inandırmışlar- kıpırdamamak gerektiğine. Bari güneş kremini mi alsaydım acaba?
Hadi diyelim reşit yaşına kadar ‘he’ dedin ne derlerse, a be aptal kafam kaçıp kurtulsana baktın ki bunlar seni hapsedecek. Nereye kaçıyorsun be, her yaz avrupalara giderken dikenli tel lafı falan yoktu ortada küçükhanım. Eh tamam işime geldi birçok şey kabul! Ama bedelini fitil fitil burnumdan getirdiler yalan mı? Hem beynimin hem vücudumum özgürlüğüyle ödedim bedelini, çok fazla değil mi? Onların düşünceleriyle onların idealleriyle doldu kafam. Vücudumu da......Hah! Ben baleye gitmek istemedim aslında, basketbol oynamaktı hayalim. Gece dışarı çıkarsam gerekir, lame terlikleri de koyayım.
Okulumu seçemem, mesleğime karar veremem, işimi kendim bulamam, sevgililerimi beğendiremem, ne yapsam yaranamam. Neydi şu gölgesini ekrana yansıtıp çocukları eğlendirdikleri şey.. Hacivat ‘la bilmem ne gibi takmışlar 2 çubuk oynatıp duruyorlar vallahi. İnsanım ayol ben! Hayatımı yaşayamadım şekerim bak şu yaşa kadar. Ay ne iyi oldu burasının vize istemediği, neyse ki aklıma geldi..
İşlerini başlarına çalsınlar sanki ben bayılıyordum. Tehdit’e bak: ‘O kapıdan çıkarsan geri dönemezsin!’ Çok da umrumdaydı... ben size muhtaç değilim SİZ bana muhtaçsınız. Haftasına varmaz anlarsınız değerimi. Yok efendim maaşımı o ödüyormuş da, evimi o almış da, arabamın benzinini bile o dolduruyormuş da.. ben çalışıyorum da kazanıyorum bir kere, sanki sadaka veriyor.Allah kahretsin pasaportum babamın şirketteki kasasında kaldı!! Yatar bu yolculuk işi.

PMS bull-shit

my mentor's book.. reading it...

Sertab, PMS'imi daha da çekilmez hale getirdin alacağın olsun....

Yalnızsan geceleri

Yalnızsan yatağında

Ve evin de bomboşsa kalbin gibi

ne fark eder kim haklıysa