ate fish here.
climbed up the hill
ate blackberries
walked in the woods...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
totally forgotten
mail box'ımda taslak olarak saklamışım. 21 kasımda yazmışım. deli miyim neyim?
have written this down, saved as draft in my mailbox. totally dont remember when and how, seems like 21th november. probably was high or sth
---NO NAME.....
"love is unfair". i put the sentence in cotation marks but there exists no name that i can say i coated from. nevertheless i am so sure somebody somewhere said this phrase before me. i can imagine you reading this line and thinking: who said this before?
a sunny but cold early november morning. winter has come, i thought. so the cold and dark days will be ready to make my depression deeper, my mood down, my thoughts darker, trying to think of one country, cold and dark but with happy people... couldnt find and gave up. i can see my face in the mirror of the taxi so expressionless. feel like my brain is full of thoughts but none of them i can catch with my hand. i am begging to god: pls create some traffic on the way so the taxi drive will last longer. but of course his answer was no, the roads were so empty, the airport was so close like it never was. many things i want to say like i will miss you, i love you, i will wait for you, i will think of you all the time.... but the only thing i do is to shout like an angry dog to everything he tries to say. deeply in my heart i want to see him as unhappy as i am, even crying will be good. i want him to understand this stupid behavior of me is because of my sadness, but i feel that he is getting angry because i am so week with my despair and i try to torture him like this. so he will not make this goodbye any easier for me. i am thinking in my mind and cant help saying it out loud: dont i have the right to be miserable? ok he calmed down a little. but he still thinks that i am a drama queen i see it in his eyes. he is late with the check in bullshit and no time to say a deep goodbye. i want to fight, i want to shout, i want to make him angry , i want to punish him like it is his fault. thinking inside: the ones you hurt most, are the ones you love most. you see? i can justify myself in many ways.
bye-bye with a little kiss-not enough to calm me down of course. a little last look, never can be as good as a loooooong bye bye wave.
he disappeared.
i am alone in this huge building.
ALONE! the keyword is this, dont forget.
cried? no. shouted? no. called him? no. just looked at the clock to see if he will be on time. what if he missed the plane? i hope he will. and come back for some more hours. waited for 10 minutes standing there looking at the time. noone is comming... he is on time.
not an astonishing goodbye it was, not as big as i expected it to be. i needed a big event like a Broadway show. shining, surprisind, amazing........ this was so......NORMAL. i saw my face for a little moment on the reflecting glass of the exit door:so meaningless but blur. unlike the arrival, the departure from airport was a trafic jam. this is life ,i remember i was thinking... always gives you what you dont need.
i opened the door with the keys hanging in the keychain he gave me. changing my clothes with the pijamas which still have his smell on, going into the bed he got out of 4 hours ago, still have his touch. i am trying to feel him with the blanket.this house is so full with him. it makes me feel like a stranger. how can it feel like the end of the world? how can everything seem so ending? how can i be so afraid to live ? i better drink some water. in the kitchen there are the coctail glasses, dirty with the coctail he made for me last night. the dirty dishes of our last dinner, his last cigarette dips in the ashtray. i go and take cigarette from the packet he left, hoping that i will feel him inside. helped? no. god, what is on his mind? make him miss me more than i miss him. i fell asleep in the couch, where we slept all the time together after we had sex.
---NO NAME.....
"love is unfair". i put the sentence in cotation marks but there exists no name that i can say i coated from. nevertheless i am so sure somebody somewhere said this phrase before me. i can imagine you reading this line and thinking: who said this before?
a sunny but cold early november morning. winter has come, i thought. so the cold and dark days will be ready to make my depression deeper, my mood down, my thoughts darker, trying to think of one country, cold and dark but with happy people... couldnt find and gave up. i can see my face in the mirror of the taxi so expressionless. feel like my brain is full of thoughts but none of them i can catch with my hand. i am begging to god: pls create some traffic on the way so the taxi drive will last longer. but of course his answer was no, the roads were so empty, the airport was so close like it never was. many things i want to say like i will miss you, i love you, i will wait for you, i will think of you all the time.... but the only thing i do is to shout like an angry dog to everything he tries to say. deeply in my heart i want to see him as unhappy as i am, even crying will be good. i want him to understand this stupid behavior of me is because of my sadness, but i feel that he is getting angry because i am so week with my despair and i try to torture him like this. so he will not make this goodbye any easier for me. i am thinking in my mind and cant help saying it out loud: dont i have the right to be miserable? ok he calmed down a little. but he still thinks that i am a drama queen i see it in his eyes. he is late with the check in bullshit and no time to say a deep goodbye. i want to fight, i want to shout, i want to make him angry , i want to punish him like it is his fault. thinking inside: the ones you hurt most, are the ones you love most. you see? i can justify myself in many ways.
bye-bye with a little kiss-not enough to calm me down of course. a little last look, never can be as good as a loooooong bye bye wave.
he disappeared.
i am alone in this huge building.
ALONE! the keyword is this, dont forget.
cried? no. shouted? no. called him? no. just looked at the clock to see if he will be on time. what if he missed the plane? i hope he will. and come back for some more hours. waited for 10 minutes standing there looking at the time. noone is comming... he is on time.
not an astonishing goodbye it was, not as big as i expected it to be. i needed a big event like a Broadway show. shining, surprisind, amazing........ this was so......NORMAL. i saw my face for a little moment on the reflecting glass of the exit door:so meaningless but blur. unlike the arrival, the departure from airport was a trafic jam. this is life ,i remember i was thinking... always gives you what you dont need.
i opened the door with the keys hanging in the keychain he gave me. changing my clothes with the pijamas which still have his smell on, going into the bed he got out of 4 hours ago, still have his touch. i am trying to feel him with the blanket.this house is so full with him. it makes me feel like a stranger. how can it feel like the end of the world? how can everything seem so ending? how can i be so afraid to live ? i better drink some water. in the kitchen there are the coctail glasses, dirty with the coctail he made for me last night. the dirty dishes of our last dinner, his last cigarette dips in the ashtray. i go and take cigarette from the packet he left, hoping that i will feel him inside. helped? no. god, what is on his mind? make him miss me more than i miss him. i fell asleep in the couch, where we slept all the time together after we had sex.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)